Is there a number I can call to report abuse? Because I'd like to be placed in a foster home.

It's Friday afternoon. The boys have been home for two hours. They have been fighting for one hour and 59 minutes. D. is working late again and won't be home for dinner. I am trying to hold it together but starting to cry and feeling a little desperate.

Me: Boys! You have to stop. I'm not joking. This is not funny.
Moon: Why does he always have to follow me? I hate it.
Peanut: Blahblahblahblahblah (his actual words).
Me, officially crying: Look, I am close to the edge. If you continue to push me I am going to go over.
Peanut: Oh yeah? Where?
Me: silence
Peanut: That's what I thought. You're not going anywhere.

Who do I call to get this health teacher fired?

Peanut: Hey mom! Today, in health class, we learned about drugs. Did you know that cigarettes are a drug? Mrs. Reilly showed us real tar and a real cigarette and she put it in a stuffed animal's mouth. I wish she wouldn't have told us about tar because it's making me want to throw up.
Me: Oh, good. I'm glad you're learning about smoking. It's nasty. Cigarettes are disgusting.
Peanut: Drugs are bad. You shouldn't use them.
Me: That's right.
Peanut: Mom, did you know that caffeine is a drug?
Me: I guess, technically, it is.
Peanut: So, when you drink caffeine soda you're doing drugs.
Me: Not quite the same thing. Caffeine isn't going to kill you. Cigarettes give you cancer, caffeine doesn't.
Peanut: I know. Also, you shouldn't drink beer or wine because alcohol is a drug.
Me: Woah, woah, woah. Not all drugs are bad. Some are just bad for kids.
Peanut: No, all drugs are bad.
Me: What about your medicine for asthma? Did you know that medicines are drugs?
Peanut: Yes.
Me: So, should you stop taking your asthma medicine because it's a drug, or should you keep taking it because it helps you?
Peanut: Keep taking it. But beer and wine are bad drugs.
Me: Only for kids. Alcohol is like medicine for moms and dads.