Asshole

At the pool, Peanut:  Mom, will you hold me?
Me, snuggling him:  Sure.  Are you tired.
Peanut:  No.
Me:  Cold?
Peanut:  No.
Me:  Just want a hug?
Peanut:  No.
Me:  Are you peeing on me?
Peanut, laughing and swimming away:  Yes!

You what ?!?!

Ever brush your teeth in the shower? I do. Sometimes. Multi-tasking. That's what I did last night, and then I left my toothbrush on the window ledge in the shower, which is at least two and a half foot off the ground and out of the baby's reach. This morning, when I needed to brush my teeth:

Peanut: Oh, Mom! You know that toothbrush that's in the shower?
Me: Yes?
Peanut: Well, Erek was using the toilet and I had to pee, so I had to pee in the shower and I accidentally peed on that toothbrush.
Me: WHAT?!
Peanut: I had to go. It was an accident.
Me: You accidentally peed up that high?
Peanut, smiling: Yes. It was an accident.
Me: You accidentally peed on my toothbrush which is all the way up there on the window ledge?
Peanut: Oh. Well, you can just wash it.
Me: I'm not brushing my teeth with something you peed on.
Peanut: It was an accident.

On the bright side, at least he told me about it before I brushed.

This is why I don't even ask questions anymore

Peanut, standing naked in front of the toilet: Hey, Mom, I know how to do "squishies."
Me: I don't know what that is.
Peanut: Oh, it's from Captain Underpants. It's where you take two packets of ketchup and put them under the toilet seat. Then when somebody sits down....
Me, lightbulb clicking on: Ah! So that explains why there was a packet of hot sauce in the toilet this morning.
Peanut, eyes wide: Wah? Huh? No there wasn't. How did that get there?
Me, giving him the eye: Peanut.
Peanut, eyes wider, shaking his head in disbelief: No-o.
Me, staring and silent.
Peanut, looking down and pulling on his penis: Heh, heh, penis.
Me, staring.
Peanut: Moon did it.
Me, staring.
Peanut: Ok, I do not know how that got there. I mean, I put a packet of hot sauce under the toilet seat, but I took it out and put it in the trash.
Me, shouting into the next room: Moon, how did a packet of hot sauce get under the toilet seat?
Moon, shouting back: Exactly how you think it did.
Me: So, you're saying you knew about it?
Moon: Oh.

Just kill me now - Another Laugh, Mom Contest

That's right, I'm giving away another (as yet undetermined) prize, to the first person who can guess what happened in this series of photos. Hint: The Baby did it. And Peanut knew he was doing it. And it's completely fucking disgusting.







So, you tell me the story, in comments.

If covering yourself from head to toe in feces could provide protection from Swine Flu, I wouldn't need to take any further precautionary measures

Me, naked in the bathroom, holding the towel I just used to dry my entire body, including my hair and face: PEANUT!
Peanut: What?
Me: Get up here, right now!
Peanut: What?
Me: Now!
Peanut: What?
Me: Why is there poop on this towel!?
Peanut: I didn't do that.
Me: Peanut....why is there poop?
Peanut: Mom! I didn't do it.
Me: Let me see your butt.
Peanut: It's not poopy.
D: Did you wipe your butt on the towel?
Peanut: I didn't. I only went poop once today and I used a wet wipe.
Me: It's poop. I can smell it. Let me see your butt.
Peanut, pulling down his pants: It's not poopy.
D: Wait, you took a shower last night, right? Which towel did you use?
Peanut: Oh.
Me: I'm going to go ahead and get back in the shower now.
D: Would you like a fresh towel?
Me: Yes, please.

I think I can now say definitively that this was not chocolate.

The Tooth Fairy doesn't take any crap

It was an eventful day in the Laugh, Mom household. I might even go so far as to say, Peanut's dream day. Why? Well, for one thing, Moon had to shit in Saran Wrap.

Due to some digestive issues, Moon went to see a GI specialist this week. The doctor gave him medication and ordered a series of tests. One of which required a stool sample. Ever since Peanut found out that Moon would, at some point, be crapping in a jar, he'd been like a kid on Christmas Eve. Peanut had been listening for the opening of the cupboard, asking each time I removed a container, "Is that for Moon to poop in?" He'd also been alert to Moon's bathroom behavior, trying to follow him in to the john each time in anticipation of the big event.

While the pooping was his main focus, Peanut's attention was drawn away from Moon's sphincter today by yet another exciting happening. The loss of his first tooth. It'd been hanging by a thread for weeks, but he refused to pull it out at home because he wanted to get the tooth keeper necklace they give to kids who lose their teeth at school. When I picked him up from class this afternoon, he proudly showed me the little tooth container hanging around his neck, and the newly empty space in his mouth.
"Are you going to put it under your pillow for the Tooth Fairy?" I asked him.
"No. I want to keep it," he insisted, adamantly.
"But, don't you want the Tooth Fairy to bring you money?"
"Nah. I'd rather just have my tooth."
"What are you going to do with a tooth?" I asked.
"I dunno. Just hang out with it I guess."

When bedtime rolled around, Peanut was in the process of weighing his Tooth Fairy options. While he was tantalized by the prospect of money and a visit from a magical creature in the middle of the night, he just really wanted to keep his tooth. Before Peanut could make a final decision and fall asleep, Moon put us all on notice that he had to crap. Having read online about best practices for catching clean stool samples (how's that for an oxymoron?), I ran upstairs with some saran wrap, and loosely draped it across the toilet seat. The process required a good bit of precision. Drape too taut, and Moon would end up with dirt ass. But too loose, and the log might slip into the toilet. Nerve wracking stuff.

Once the toilet was ready, I gave Moon the go-ahead for bombs away. The entire time he was in the bathroom, D. and I had to patrol outside to keep Peanut out. He was intrigued by the saran wrap, the plastic container, and most of all by the notion that we would be putting poop in the refrigerator. Seriously, the best day of Peanut's life.

While we were waiting for the good word from Moon, The Baby decided that he needed to nurse. Which meant that I was unavailable for sample collection and the chore would fall to D., thus making today perhaps the best day of my life, too. Though, I must admit, it was a little difficult for me to hand over control of the situation to D. (hmm...wonder where Moon got his anal retentiveness). Realistically, I know that D. is just as capable a parent as I am. Plus, I don't think you can screw up a stool sample. So, I hauled out my boob and left the crap work to D.

Not wanting to cheat Peanut out of his long anticipated experience, D. let him have a look at Moon's specimen. After getting a good look and uttering the proper degree of wonderous proclamations regarding its size, shape, and stinkiness, Peanut was satisfied with his first stool sample experience and back to worrying about his tooth. Worrying so seriously that he was in tears.
"Mom, I don't want her to take my tooth!"
"Then don't put it under your pillow," I tried to reason.
"But what if she steals it?"
"The tooth fairy isn't a thief."
"Yes she is. She's just going to come here, and she's going to see that my tooth isn't under my pillow, and she'll steal it AND not leave me any money."
"Look," I laid it out for him, "if you don't put it under your pillow, she won't take it."
"Mom, you don't know that!"

At a loss for any other way to explain to him that the Tooth Fairy wouldn't steal his tooth, I suggested we leave a note under his pillow. Peanut dictated, I wrote:
"Dear Tooth Fairy,
Please do NOT take my tooth. I want to keep it. But, if you want to leave me some money anyway, that would be cool. Love, Peanut. P.S. Do NOT take my tooth!"
The note finally calmed his fears and, tooth hidden in drawer, poop stashed in fridge, both boys drifted off to sleep.

In the morning, much to everyone's surprise, both Peanut and Moon found they had been visited by magical beings. Peanut had five one dollar bills tucked beneath his pillow, and his tooth still safely tucked away. And Moon found a dollar wrapped in a note in the bathroom:



We believe in the Poop Fairy.

Don't you?