Gas, grass or ass. Nobody plumbs for free

Plumber: My guess is, there's probably a pipe under your bathtub that's the old galvanized and is rusted through.
Me: So, you can just patch that, right?
Plumber, laughing: I can patch the ceiling when I'm done replacing your pipe.
Me: Do you take blowjobs in lieu of payment?
Plumber: Bitch, when's the last time you showered?
Me: Half off if I show you a little titty?

Okay, so those last three lines are bullshit, but, can I just say, "FUCK!"
I'm going to have to get a second job. Or, you know, A job.

I'd like a triple skinny vanilla mocha bitchslap, please

Starbucks lady: Oh, look, he's sound asleep. He looks all worn out.
Me: Yeah. He was up most of the night. He has a stuffy nose and only slept for a couple hours.
Starbucks lady: Aww, poor little man. Did you get any sleep?
Me: No. Not much.
Starbucks lady: Well, you look great for only having a little bit of sleep.
Me: Really? You don't think I look a little crazy?
Starbucks lady: Well, I didn't want to say anything...