You'd think I would learn

Peanut, playing with Play-Doh at the dining room table: Mom, look, it's a person. Here's the head, and here's the arms, and here's the legs.

Me: Oh, cool. I can see the person. That's very good. Who is it?

Peanut: You.

Me: You made me out of Play-Doh?

Peanut: Yep. You're not very nice looking.

D: Peanut, you don't say things like that to your Mother.

Me: It's okay, I haven't had anything to blog about in awhile.

Peanut: Oh, no, you're not blogging this. I won't let you. I just ripped your head off.

He hasn't seen Superbad...

...but now he's drawing dicks.

"Aw, come on, that's just a guy with one leg," you say.

Nope. It's a penis. A big red one.

How do I know?

Because Peanut told me.

He's very proud of his dick drawing.


Moon is running for Student Council. His campaign slogan:

Vote 4 "Moon;" 4TH GRADE STUDent Council.

I see the Presidency in his future.


Dear Mr. Ice Cream Man

Do you accept childrens' tears as a payment method? If so, I have a whole bottle of them and would like to purchase a frozen novelty.

If not, please quit parking in front of my kid's school at dismissal time every day, you evil, heartless, bastard.

Thank you.


Me: Just let me know what you need help with for your Student Council campaign. Dad is really good at drawing and I'm sure he'd be happy to help you make your poster. And if you want, I'll help you write your speech.

Moon: Or, I could have Dad help me with my speech since he does that sort of thing every day.

Me: Well, Daddy doesn't really do speech writing.

Moon: No, but he does a lot of talking to people every day.

Me: Yeah, but that's different. He's just talking to clients about what he knows and how he can help them. He's not really "writing" speeches. Mom is more the writer type.

Moon: But Dad could help me with my speech. He's good at that sort of thing.

Me: Yeah, but I always did well in school when it came to speech writing and public speaking. I could help you.

Moon: Mmm, yeah, I think I'll just get Dad to help me.