Laugh, Mom

Ever brush your teeth in the shower? I do. Sometimes. Multi-tasking. That's what I did last night, and then I left my toothbrush on the window ledge in the shower, which is at least two and a half foot off the ground and out of the baby's reach. This morning, when I needed to brush my teeth:

Peanut: Oh, Mom! You know that toothbrush that's in the shower?
Me: Yes?
Peanut: Well, Erek was using the toilet and I had to pee, so I had to pee in the shower and I accidentally peed on that toothbrush.
Me: WHAT?!
Peanut: I had to go. It was an accident.
Me: You accidentally peed up that high?
Peanut, smiling: Yes. It was an accident.
Me: You accidentally peed on my toothbrush which is all the way up there on the window ledge?
Peanut: Oh. Well, you can just wash it.
Me: I'm not brushing my teeth with something you peed on.
Peanut: It was an accident.

On the bright side, at least he told me about it before I brushed.

Me: You know you're in trouble, right?
Moon: Ye-e-es.
Me: You know why you're in trouble, right?
Moon: Ye-e-es.
Me: Why are you in trouble?
Moon: Well...because...wait! First tell me what Peanut told you.

Peanut: Hey, Mom! Did you know you can give your guinea pigs a haircut?
Me: No you can't.
Peanut: Yes you can. You know. Their hair gets long. Then you can just cut it. People cut their guinea pigs' hair.
Me: Okay, maybe they do. But you can't give your guinea pigs a haircut.
Peanut: I know. But, I could.
Me: No. You can't.
Peanut: I know. I'm not. But, I could just take some scissors and trim it a little bit.
Me: No.
Peanut: Or, use a razor and shave it. That would be funny. A shaved guinea pig.
Me: No.
Peanut: Oh, or I could give it a mohawk...

Peanut, standing naked in front of the toilet: Hey, Mom, I know how to do "squishies."
Me: I don't know what that is.
Peanut: Oh, it's from Captain Underpants. It's where you take two packets of ketchup and put them under the toilet seat. Then when somebody sits down....
Me, lightbulb clicking on: Ah! So that explains why there was a packet of hot sauce in the toilet this morning.
Peanut, eyes wide: Wah? Huh? No there wasn't. How did that get there?
Me, giving him the eye: Peanut.
Peanut, eyes wider, shaking his head in disbelief: No-o.
Me, staring and silent.
Peanut, looking down and pulling on his penis: Heh, heh, penis.
Me, staring.
Peanut: Moon did it.
Me, staring.
Peanut: Ok, I do not know how that got there. I mean, I put a packet of hot sauce under the toilet seat, but I took it out and put it in the trash.
Me, shouting into the next room: Moon, how did a packet of hot sauce get under the toilet seat?
Moon, shouting back: Exactly how you think it did.
Me: So, you're saying you knew about it?
Moon: Oh.

At soccer practice...

Peanut: MOM! You see that kid over there?
Me: Which one?
Peanut: The one with the stupid hair. Right there.
Me: Okay, yeah.
Peanut: He just called me a sore loser!
Me: Are you a sore loser?
Peanut: No.
Me: Then tell him to bite you.

Peanut: Oh my God.
Me: Don't say "Oh my god."
Peanut: I can say it if I want to.
Me: No you can't.
Peanut: Yes I can.
Me: I said you can't, and I'm the Mom of you.
Peanut: No you're not.
Me: Oh yes I am. I gave birth to you.
Peanut: Ew. Nasty.

Peanut: Hey, Mom! Do you know what happens when people get bullied?
Me: What?
Peanut: They just take a drug. They take a drug so they don't ever have to go to school and see that bully again.
Me: They do?
Peanut: Yeah. That's what happens when people get bullied. They take drugs and don't go to school anymore.
Me: Huh.
Peanut: At least, that's what they used to do. Back in the olden days.

A few minutes later....

Peanut: Hey, Mom! Tomorrow is the end of red ribbon week.
Me: So, that's the end of your don't do drugs program?
Peanut: Yes.
Me: Are you doing anything special?
Peanut: I'm not sure. But I think if we be good at the end of the day we get to make our own drugs.

Google searches that have led people to my blog in the last month:

1. Covered head to toe in poop
2. Mom and son boobs
3. vaganus
4. big big boobs and weiners
5. Mom son peeing together
6. pooping baby photos
7. mommy yells at me
8. toilet paper lint
9. big mom with son
10. very big moms

And, as a bonus, my seriously fucking favorite google search of all time:
11. milk my udder i am a cow

I can't figure out if I'm more disturbed that people are searching for these things, that there's a shitload of porn with these themes, or that, amidst all that porn, in the first page of Google results, people are finding my blog.

Check out today's post over at Aiming Low:

At grocery store, have a fever, haven't eaten, feeling woozy...

Cashier: That's a real cute handbag!
Me: Oh, thanks.
Cashier: What kind of bags you like?
Me: Uhh, shiny ones?
Cashier: Shiny ones?
Me: Well, I guess I like a nice shoulder bag.
Cashier: I meant paper or plastic.
Me: Oh. Duh. Sorry. I'm kind of a retard.
Cashier: Huh.

And then I look around at all of the people bagging the groceries, and realize that in addition to being kind of a retard, I'm also a complete asshole.

Peanut: Hey, Mom, you were born first in this family.
Me: No. Dad was.
Peanut: Oh yeah. Wait, when was Dad born?
Me: 1973.
Peanut: 1973!? That's back when they didn't even have refrigerators!

Telling me facts he has learned from his new friend Keith: Oh, Mom, and also, there's this band, called the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and they have this song, it's the first song, and it has THIRTY SEVEN swear words in it.

Yelling at the car in front of us at the stop light: Dude! The light is green. Go already. Come on! What a joke!

Pointing to a car parked in the handicap spot: Mom, that guy is in a wheel chair. He shouldn't be driving if he's in a wheel chair. Dooooo-fus!

That's right, I'm giving away another (as yet undetermined) prize, to the first person who can guess what happened in this series of photos. Hint: The Baby did it. And Peanut knew he was doing it. And it's completely fucking disgusting.







So, you tell me the story, in comments.

Moon: Do you want to play Wii?
Neighbor boy who's sleeping over: Let's play Madden.
Moon: Ok, I'll get it set up.
Me: Just so you know, at nine o'clock, the TV is mine.
Moon: Why?
Me: Because I want to watch a show.
Neighbor boy: Is it the Old Reilly Factor?
Me: The what?
Neighbor boy: The Old Reilly Factor?
Me: Oh! Ah, no. It is not the O'Reilly Factor.
Neighbor boy: Oh, my mom always watches that.
Me: Huh.

They say you never know what goes on behind closed doors, but I had no idea that degree of depravity existed just two doors down. Scary.

Peanut, at playground: Mom! These kids who were just speaking Chinese said something bad about me because I know Chinese and I know what they said!
Me: Really? You know Chinese?
Peanut: Yes. And I know what they said. They just called me stupid!
Me: How do you know they called you stupid if they were speaking Chinese?
Peanut: Because! The were just speaking, like, Chinese, or French, and they called me stoo-pee-dee.
Me: Chinese or French, huh? Well, if they're not being nice maybe you should find someone else to play with.
Peanut, storming across playground toward kids who were speaking Chinese, or French, and pointing his finger: You think I'm stupid? Maybe you should take some classes and learn to speak English!
Me, momentarily frozen with shame and horror, then running toward Peanut in a flustered frenzy: No! No! You apologize right now! That is not appropriate or nice. Unacceptable. Apologize. Now!
Peanut, kicking the ground and mumbling: Sorry.
Me: Peanut, these kids know how to speak two languages. How many do you know?
Peanut: One.
Kid 1: We speak Italian and English.
Kid 2, under breath: Stupidi.
Me: See, they speak Italian. Maybe if you were playing nice together you could ask them to teach you some words in Italian.
Kid 1, nodding: We could. We speak Italian all the time.
Peanut: I don't need to. I know "stupid" in any language.