Nice try

Me: You know you're in trouble, right?
Moon: Ye-e-es.
Me: You know why you're in trouble, right?
Moon: Ye-e-es.
Me: Why are you in trouble?
Moon: Well...because...wait! First tell me what Peanut told you.

Run, furry little creatures! Run and hide!

Peanut: Hey, Mom! Did you know you can give your guinea pigs a haircut?
Me: No you can't.
Peanut: Yes you can. You know. Their hair gets long. Then you can just cut it. People cut their guinea pigs' hair.
Me: Okay, maybe they do. But you can't give your guinea pigs a haircut.
Peanut: I know. But, I could.
Me: No. You can't.
Peanut: I know. I'm not. But, I could just take some scissors and trim it a little bit.
Me: No.
Peanut: Or, use a razor and shave it. That would be funny. A shaved guinea pig.
Me: No.
Peanut: Oh, or I could give it a mohawk...

This is why I don't even ask questions anymore

Peanut, standing naked in front of the toilet: Hey, Mom, I know how to do "squishies."
Me: I don't know what that is.
Peanut: Oh, it's from Captain Underpants. It's where you take two packets of ketchup and put them under the toilet seat. Then when somebody sits down....
Me, lightbulb clicking on: Ah! So that explains why there was a packet of hot sauce in the toilet this morning.
Peanut, eyes wide: Wah? Huh? No there wasn't. How did that get there?
Me, giving him the eye: Peanut.
Peanut, eyes wider, shaking his head in disbelief: No-o.
Me, staring and silent.
Peanut, looking down and pulling on his penis: Heh, heh, penis.
Me, staring.
Peanut: Moon did it.
Me, staring.
Peanut: Ok, I do not know how that got there. I mean, I put a packet of hot sauce under the toilet seat, but I took it out and put it in the trash.
Me, shouting into the next room: Moon, how did a packet of hot sauce get under the toilet seat?
Moon, shouting back: Exactly how you think it did.
Me: So, you're saying you knew about it?
Moon: Oh.

Someone should put me in charge of an advice column...for six year olds

At soccer practice...

Peanut: MOM! You see that kid over there?
Me: Which one?
Peanut: The one with the stupid hair. Right there.
Me: Okay, yeah.
Peanut: He just called me a sore loser!
Me: Are you a sore loser?
Peanut: No.
Me: Then tell him to bite you.