Well, that was really crappy of Moon? and the llama?

Peanut, apropos of absolutely nothing:  And then, he was done with what he was doing and he said he was going to do it and HE DIDN'T!
Me:  Wha, huh?
Peanut:  The llama.
Me:  The, llama?
Peanut:  Yes!  Exactly.  And he didn't.
Me:  Could you possibly stop and explain to me exactly what the hell you are talking about?
Peanut:  The llama.  Moon said he would and he finished what he was doing and he still didn't.
Me:  ???
Peanut, completely disgusted:  Nevermind.

Next time I'm buying Sex and the City Band-Aids. Nobody will want those...

Henny:  Mommy!  We hab Dora band-aids.

Me:  Yes we do.

Henny:  Can I hab one?

Me:  You don't need one.

Henny:  Yes I do.

Me:  No.  Don't waste the band-aids.

Henny:  Can I hab one for my boo-boo?

Me:  You don't have a boo-boo.  Put those away.

Henny:  Oh Mommy, you see dat?

Me:  See what?

Henny:  Watch Mommy.  I tripped.

Me:  You didn't trip.

Henny:  Mommy look.  Oh, I tripped 'gain.

Me:  You didn't trip.

Henny:  No, watch Mommy.  Oh, I tripped 'gain.

Me:  You don't need a band-aid.

Henny:  Oh no, Mommy.  Watch.  I tripped 'gain.

Henny:  Oh Mommy.  I just hurt my arm...

About twenty minutes. Only slightly condensed.

There are approximately seven hours between picking the boys up from school and them passing out at night. This represents about twenty minutes. I'm not great at math, but I think that equates to this basic series of events occurring 21 times, every....fucking....day....

Peanut: Mom. They keep saying the "s" word.
Me, in the kitchen making dinner: Who?
Peanut: This song.
Me: Oh. Yeah. Don't listen to that.
Peanut: Okay.
Henny, coming downstairs: Mommy, I pee in my pants.
Me: Why did you pee your pants.
Henny: I dunno.
Me: Let's get you cleaned up. Moon, can you get some new pants for Henny?
Moon, rolling eyes: Urghhhhhh!!!!
Me: I know. Just help out, okay?
Peanut: What's for dinner?
Me: Greek salad with chicken.
Peanut: I hate that.
Henny: I heet that!
Me: You do not.
Peanut, poking and hitting Moon: Moon, play with me. Play with me! PLAY WITH ME!
Moon: Ow! Mom, he hit me!
Me: Don't hit your brother.
Peanut: He won't play with me.
Me: Of course he won't. You're hitting him.
Peanut: I want him to play with me.
Me: Nobody wants to play with someone who's hitting. Be nice.
Peanut: I don't want to be nice. I want him to play with me.
Me, bending over: He's not going to play with you if you're hitting him. Moon! Can you get some pants for Henny?!
Henny, hopping on my back: Piggy wide!
Me, falling over: No. No piggy ride. Get off of me. Moon! Get Henny some pants, please!
Moon: Urghhhhh!!!
D, calling on the phone: Gurgle gurgle gurgle.
Me: What, I can't hear you. You're breaking up.
Henny: I wan talk a Dad. I wan a talk a Dad. Lemme talk a Dad.
D: Gurgle gurgle gurgle.
Henny: I wan talk a Dad. I need talk a Dad.
Me: I can't hear you at all.
D: Gurgle gurgle gurgle.
Henny: I need talk a Dad!
Me: I'm going to go.
Henny: I need talk a Dad!
D: Gurgle gurgle bye.
Me: Dinner's ready. Come and eat guys.
Henny: I heet that.
Me: You don't hate that.
Peanut: I don't want any salad. I hate salad.
Me: Don't eat salad.
Henny: I don't wan chicken. I heet chicken.
Me: Don't eat chicken.
Henny: I spilled.
Me: Okay. I'll clean it up. Let me grab a napkin.
Henny: I lick it?
Me: No. Do not lick the table.
Henny: I lick it.
Me: Please stop licking the table.
Henny: I need salad. I wan scoop it.
Me: I'll scoop it for you.
Henny: I wan scoop it. I need scoop it!
Me: No. Let me do it. Here, here's a scoop of salad for you.
Henny: No. I need more. I need scoop it.
Me: If you eat all that I'll give you another scoop.
Henny: No. I wan scoop it. I can't eat all dis. It's too much.
Me: That makes no sense.
Peanut: Can I have a dessert?
Me: I do not even care.
Henny: I wan ice cream!
Me: Have ice cream. I don't care.
Henny: Can I have more ice cream?
Me: Don't care. Hey, we need to go pick up Dad from the train. It's raining.
Henny: I don't wan pick Dad.
Me: It's raining. We need to pick up Dad.
Henny: Can I bring my ice cream?
Me: No.
Henny: Why? I wan bring my ice cream.
Me: You can't take ice cream in the car.
Henny: I bring my ice cream.
Me: You're not bringing your ice cream.
D: Hi! How are you?
Me: Eh.
D: What's wrong.
Me: Just. You know. They're just.
D: Dinner smells good.
Peanut, running around corner: NAKEDSTUFF!!! NAKEDSTUFF!!!
Me: Where. are. your. clothes?!?!

Guess who ended up with pancakes...

Henny: Mommy, I hab pancakes?
Me: No sweetie. I'm making waffles.
Henny: Okay. I hab pancakes.
Me: I'm not making pancakes. I'm making waffles.
Henny: No waffles. You make a pancakes.
Me: No pancakes. Waffles.
Henny: Okay. Yes. You make pancakes.

He's got the fever

Moon: My throat was scratchy all day and now my stomach hurts.
Me, touching forehead: Well, you don't have a fever, so that's good.
Henny: I hab a Biebah.
Me: You have a...Bieber?
Henny: Yes. I hab a Biebah.
Me: You have a Bieber Fever?
Henny: Yes. I hab Biebah Febah.

Valid point

Me: You need to get your fanny in here right now and do the cleaning up I asked you to do.
Peanut: I don't even know what I'm supposed to clean up.
Me: All this food the dog got into.
Peanut: Um, it's kind of your fault this happened in the first place.
Me: I'm not the one who left my lunch on the table.
Peanut: Yeah, but the dog wouldn't have had a chance to make a mess if we wouldn't have left the house. So, that makes it your fault.
Me: It doesn't matter whose fault it is. It just matters that we get it cleaned up.
Peanut: Um, yeah. It kind of does. You know. So we know who to blame.

Oh, sorry

Laying in bed at night with Henny:
Henny: Da-ee has penis?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Peanut has penis?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Moon has penis?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Mahwee has tail?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Mommy has penis?
Me, shaking head no.
Henny: Mommy has boob?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Da-ee has penis?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Mahwee has tail?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Peanut has penis?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Moon has penis?
Me: Yes. Daddy has a penis, and Moon has a penis, and Peanut has a penis, and Molly has a tail, and Mommy has a boob.
Henny, whispering: Shh...quiet. I seeping, Mommy.

Really? Dad and I just call that "Tuesday"

Moon: Can I have a sleepover this weekend?
Me: No. But you can have one in two weeks.
Moon: Ok. Because I haven't had a sleepover since summer.
Me: That's not true.
Moon: Well, I've had K over twice, but I mean, I haven't had a GOOD sleepover. Where I go to someone else's house.
Me: So, you're saying it's not a good sleepover if it's at our house? I'm mildly offended by that.
Moon: Sorry, but it's not a good sleepover at our house.
Me: And why is that?
Peanut: Because I always annoy him.
Me: That's not a good reason.
Moon: Mom! He took off his pants, put on a mask, and ran into my room yelling "NAKED NINJA!" I don't call that a "good" sleepover.

And once again

Peanut: Mom, do you want this little comb that came with your new mustache scissors?
Me: Nose-hair scissors.
Peanut: Whatever. Do you want this little mustache comb?
Me: No.
Peanut: You're not going to use it?
Me: No.
Peanut: Can I have it?
Me: Yes.
Peanut: Cool. I'm going to grow a mustache. I mean, not yet, but when I do grow one I'm going to comb it.
Me: Ok.
Peanut, leaning over my face: Do you want me to comb your mustache for you?
Me: No.
Peanut: Because I could, you know...

Yeah, I know

Peanut: Mom! Why did you buy these mustache trimming scissors?
Me: To trim my nose hair.
Peanut: Oh, I thought you were going to trim your mustache.
Me: No. I need to trim my nose hair.
Peanut: So, you're not going to grow your mustache out?
Me: No. I'm not.
Peanut: You have a mustache, you know.

I didn't feenk so

Henny (aka Toddler ): I see San-a!
Me: Ooh, I see Santa, too. Hi Santa!
Henny: Hi San-a! San-a gon bing Henny a pesent.
Me: Santa is going to bring Henny a present because Henny is such a good boy.
Henny: Ess. Henny good boy.
Me: Is Santa going to bring Moon a present?
Henny: Ess.
Me: Is Santa going to bring Peanut a present?
Henny: NO!
Me: I didn't think so.
Henny: I didn't feenk so, too.

I hate age 11

Me: Hey, I have an idea. How about we go to the barber shop this afternoon and you can all get haircuts.
Moon: I don't like my hair short.
Me: I know. But you really need it cut.
Moon: I don't want it cut.
Me: Even though you wrestle with it every morning in the bathroom?
Moon: I just put that spray conditioner on and it's fine.
Me: Have you seen a mirror lately?
Moon: I want my hair long.
Me: Moon, I am trying so hard to let you express yourself. I know it's your hair and you should have a say in how it looks. But, ohmygod I hate your hair!
Moon: You just think boys should have short hair.
Me: Not boys. Just you.
Moon: I'm not getting a hair cut.
Me: It looks like you have a dead animal on your head.
Moon: I like it.
Me: You look like Phil Spector.
Moon: I don't want a haircut.
Me: I hate your hair.
Moon: I like it.
Me: Go get me a Q-Tip.
Moon: Why?
Me: So I can clean the wax out of your ears.
Moon: That's not fair.
Me: I don't care. I'm not having the kid with the poofy hair and the dirty ears.

I guess I'm glad there wasn't a machete wielding psychopath at the front door

Peanut: MOM!
Me: WHAT?!
Peanut: MOM!
Me: WHAT?!
Peanut: MOM!
Me: I'm in the shower! I can't hear you!
Peanut, increasing urgency: MOM!
Me: What? Is someone here? Come up here! I can't hear you! Are you okay?!
Peanut: MOM!
Me, getting out of shower, dripping, sticking soaking wet head out bathroom door: WHAT?!
Peanut: Can we go to Target?
Me: No.

No, not exactly the same

Pushing Peanut on the swing at the park.

Me: Want me to do an underdog?
Peanut: No.
Me: Good. I'm too old for that. Grandma used to do underdogs when I was a kid. But to be fair, she was like, 21.
Peanut: What did Grandma look like when she was 21?
Me: Mmm...I dunno. I guess she had curly hair. Otherwise, pretty much the same.
Peanut: Even the same wrinkles?

Shake your love. I shake shake shake your love.

Me:  Peanut, would you mind grabbing me a Monster Energy Drink from the basement fridge.
Peanut:  I guess.
Me:  Thanks.

Peanut:  Here you go.
Me:  Thank you very much.


Peanut:  Um, Mom.  Monster Energy Drink isn't a soda, is it?
Me:  Yes.  It's just a soda with a lot of caffeine so you can't have it.
Peanut:  Right.  But it's not the kind of soda that has fizz in it, is it?
Me:  Yes.  It's carbonated.
Peanut:  Right.  But it's not the kind of soda that would explode if you shook it before you opened it, is it?
Me:  Go get me a different one.

Time to re-check his browser settings

Peanut:  Hey Mom!  When you click on a pop-up, it always takes you to a different site where it says you have to enter your ID.
Me:  Do NOT click on pop-ups.
Peanut:  I know.  I didn't.  But, this kid in my class, he has a much older brother, and HE clicked on some pop-ups and it took him to this site that tried to get his ID.
Me:  Do NOT click on pop-ups.
Peanut:  Oh, I know!  I didn't.  Besides.  It's always just a scam so people can probably come to your house and steal all your stuff.
Me:  Yes.  That is exactly right.

Do they make feline paternity tests?

Peanut:  Hey Mom!  I have something very surprising and exciting to tell you.
Me:  Ooh, what?
Peanut:  T's cat had three kittens.
Me:  Oh, wow.  They didn't know the cat was going to have kittens?
Peanut:  Nope.  They were just sitting on the couch one night watching TV and their cat started having kittens.
Me:  Oh my.  That really is a surprise then, isn't it?
Peanut:  Yep.  But, I just know that my guinea pig will never have babies.
Me:  No.  Your guinea pig will never have babies.
Peanut:  But she might.
Me:  Um, do we have a boy guinea pig?
Peanut:  No.
Me:  Then how would your guinea pig have babies?
Peanut:  I dunno.  She just might.
Me:  Peanut, didn't we talk about where babies come from?
Peanut:  I dunno.
Me:  We did.  Do you remember, it takes a boy and a girl together to make babies?  We only have a girl guinea pig.  No boy.  No babies.
Peanut:  Oh yeah.  Wait, then how did T's cat have kittens?
Me:  T's cat met a boy cat outside.
Peanut:  Who?
Me:  I have no idea.
Peanut:  I bet it was Slinky.
Me:  Probably.
Peanut:  Figures.

This is just getting out of hand

Debt collector on phone:  Yes, I'm from Blank Collections Agency.  Your husband's corporate AmEx account has been placed with us for collections.
Me:  Yes, I know.  He's working on figuring out his reimbursements and trying to get paid for them.
Debt collector:  He is no longer with the company, correct?
Me:  Yes.  That's correct.  He has a number of reimbursements that he never took care of, and he needs to get in touch with HR to figure out how to handle it.
Debt collector:  Well, we have a very close relationship with AmEx and his former company, so is there anything we can do to help you?
Me:  I"m not sure.  We spent yesterday going through credit card bills looking at expenses.  What we really need are copies of expense reports from former company so we can see what has been reimbursed and what hasn't.  I'm hoping there's not going to be an issue with them processing the reimbursements.
Debt collector:  They may be able to set up a manual access to the system so he can get those records.
Me:  That would be helpful.
Debt collector:  Let me see what I can....
Toddler, pushing button to hang up telephone:  Fucker phone?

Tossing the pigskin?

Me:  What color is the guinea pig?
Toddler:  Socceh ball pig.
Me:  Yes!  The pig looks like a soccer ball.
Toddler:  I keek socceh ball pig?
Me:  No, No!  We don't kick the pig!
Toddler:  I keek socceh ball pig.

Well, at least he's mastered his "R"s

Me, backing out of parking spot, nearly hitting a man on a bike who decided to whiz between cars:  Nice!  Stupid fucking guy on a bike.
Toddler:  Fah-ker bike?
Me:  No!  No!  Babies don't say that.
Toddler:  Fucker bike?
Me:  No, no!  Those are not words for babies.
Toddler:  Fucker bike?  Fucker bike?  Fucker bike!
Me:  Awesome.
Toddler, singing in a sweet little voice all the way home:  fucker bike....fucker bike....fucker bike