What are they teaching these kids?

Moon: Hey Mom, you wanna know the four STAR steps to prevent bullying?

S-Stick together.
T-Tell the bully to stop.
A-Alert an adult.

Don't let her lick your face

In the midst of assembling hamburger patties for last night's dinner, I heard an ominous sound erupt from the business end of The Baby. It only took a quick glance to see that he was swimming in dookie. After a brief panic, I figured that the best way to handle the situation would be to wrap The Baby in paper towels and rush him to the bathtub, dealing with the mess in the bouncy seat later. After a head-to-toe de-pooping in the upstairs bathroom, I was ready to tackle the poop puddle in the chair.

When I came downstairs, the bouncy seat looked like this:

Gross, right? You know what's really gross? When I left, there was a pool of poop. When I got back, only a poop stain. What happened in the interim?

The dog.

I also left this on the kitchen counter:

Two and a half pounds of juicy, delicious, raw hamburger patties. A canine's dream. My dog could have had a huge pile of seasoned raw meat. She chose poop.


Farting the alphabet

Peanut: It's "F" week at school. For "F" week, I'm going to fart in a bag and bring it in.
Me: Nobody can see a fart.
Peanut: For "B" week, I pulled down my pants and showed everyone my butt.
Me: You're such a liar.
D: If you did that you would have gone straight to the principal's office.
Peanut: I didn't, but Stephen did. For "A" week, he showed everyone his anus. And his wiener.
Me: Clearly, Stephen doesn't know the alphabet.
Peanut: He did. For "B" week he showed his butt and he had to go to the office.
Moon: What did he do for "C" week?
Peanut: Oh, for "C" week he just put some candy in his anus.
Moon, laughing: Candy in his anus.
Peanut, laughing: And for "E" week, Stephen put an elephant in his anus.
Me, not wanting my son to mess up the alphabet: Wait, wait, wait. What happened to "D" week? Was Stephen absent for "D" week?
D: He was at the Dr. having things removed from his anus.