Um...toilet paper?

Me: Ack! Why? Why is there poop on the toilet seat? Why? Peanut! Why is there poop on the toilet seat?

Peanut: It's not poop.
Me: It's not poop?
Peanut: It's my wiener lint. I didn't have anywhere to put it.


WTF? Does nobody use Kleenex in this house?

Sitting at the dinner table:

Moon: Mom, why is there a booger on the wall?
Me: What? Where?
Moon: Right there. Behind you.
Me: EW! Peanut! Why is there a booger on the wall?
Peanut: What? Where?
Me: Right there.
Peanut: Oh.
Me: Get a tissue and clean it up right now.
Peanut, with a tissue: It's stuck.
Me: Use a wet paper towel.
Peanut, with a wet paper towel: It's still stuck.
Me, scraping it off with my fingernail: Oh! Ew! This is so disgusting. Put it in the garbage, right now. I'm going to barf.
Moon: Jeez. If you're going to put boogers on the wall, at least do it in a less obvious place.
Me: What?
Moon: Well, if you're going to put boogers on the wall, you should probably do it in a place that's less obvious.

I will be spending the remainder of the evening searching all of the "less obvious" places in my home for Moon's booger stash.


Reason #571 why you shouldn't take parenting advice from Laugh, Mom

Q: Dear Laugh, Mom,

My son is out in the snow, lying face down, sobbing, because he hates the stupid gloves I made him wear. What should I do?

A: Grab your camera, of course!

Well, laugh for a minute, first, then grab your camera. Then, when he's really pissed because you're taking his picture while he cries in the snow, laugh some more.


A synopsis of our super-positive and upbeat family holiday

I haven't posted much for the last two weeks, as I was on a semi-self-imposed computing hiatus while visiting family in Michigan. Did you miss me? I'm sure you expect that after two weeks of family togetherness I might have some complaints. But, let me assure you, I have only good things to report about our visit. Because, you know, I'm a super-positive person. So, here's what happened during our two weeks away:

*I'm happy to say that neither time nor distance have altered the warmth of my mother-in-law's feelings for me. In fact, she likes me exactly as much now as she did the day she found out that I was knocked up and her son was the Baby Daddy.

*We only got pulled over once on the Ohio Turnpike. The police officer was generous enough to give us full credit for every mile per hour we were going over the speed limit. The fine is going to cost us the low, low price of $160 plus an unspecified number of points.

*We didn't waste any of our money doing fun things like going out on a date or getting together with friends we haven't seen in a long time. Nope, we saved big time by sitting around the house bonding with family members who only mildly resented our presence.

*Peanut let me know that he does not have three middle fingers. Only two. They work perfectly. Which is great, because I heard that the bird is the word.

*Thanks to a brief conversation with his lovable scoundrel of an uncle, D. now knows that men can have an active and healthy sex life well into their sixties. And if you pick the right stripper a BJ will only cost you $120.

*As far as I know, none of my in-laws heard that monster fart I snuck upstairs to let fly, forgetting that the baby monitor was on.

*As far as I know, none of my in-laws heard the sex that D. and I had upstairs, forgetting that the baby monitor was on.

*Our four year old niece said "damn it." Which is doubly positive because, 1. It was funny, and 2. She didn't learn it from my kids.

*D.'s Burger King onion farts only made us want to throw up for, like, six of the eleven hours we were trapped in the car together.

Good times, I tell you. Good times.