Schpeak up, Schonny

Peanut:  Mom!  I peed in the bathtub and the Toddler just put tub water in a cup and drank it!
Me:  Oh my God!  That's disgusting.  Drain the tub.
Peanut:  I poured it on him.
Me:  No!  I said drain the tub.  Do not pour pee water on your brother.
Peanut:  Come on, Mom.  Are you deaf?  I wouldn't pour pee water on him.  I SAID, "I farted on him."

Asshole

At the pool, Peanut:  Mom, will you hold me?
Me, snuggling him:  Sure.  Are you tired.
Peanut:  No.
Me:  Cold?
Peanut:  No.
Me:  Just want a hug?
Peanut:  No.
Me:  Are you peeing on me?
Peanut, laughing and swimming away:  Yes!

And I'd like to thank Mother Nature for kicking me in the taint while I'm down

So, as I mentioned previously, things have been a little shitty (a lot shitty) for me lately. And I hate to sound like I'm having a huge pity party (I AM having a huge pity party), because I know I'm fortunate in a lot of ways. My kids are healthy, we have a roof over our heads, the bills are all paid, etc... But I have clearly done something to piss off the universe (Ahem, sorry god for peeing in all those church parking lots, but it's basically your fault for giving me a tiny bladder and not putting enough public toilets in locations that would allow me to not pee my pants on the way home from the bar, but I figure I should apologize just to cover my bases in case this is all just a case of bad pee karma).

So, anyway, you know how when things are bad, you always think, "well, at least things couldn't get any worse," but then they always do? Yeah. That. So, things got fucked up, and I wanted to think they couldn't get any worse, but I had a strong suspicion that they would. And they did. And then they did again. And then they got even worse. So, I pretty much figured THAT had to be rock bottom. And it basically was. Until Mother Nature decided to get involved. Specifically, in the midst of my anguish & grief, I discovered that the bearded clam is turning into a silver fox (for those of you who aren't big on euphemisms, I FOUND GRAY PUBES!!!!). Motherfuck. Seriously? As if I'm not feeling shitty enough, I need to have it pointed out that my vagina is getting old? Thanks, Mother Nature. Thanks a lot.

You what ?!?!

Ever brush your teeth in the shower? I do. Sometimes. Multi-tasking. That's what I did last night, and then I left my toothbrush on the window ledge in the shower, which is at least two and a half foot off the ground and out of the baby's reach. This morning, when I needed to brush my teeth:

Peanut: Oh, Mom! You know that toothbrush that's in the shower?
Me: Yes?
Peanut: Well, Erek was using the toilet and I had to pee, so I had to pee in the shower and I accidentally peed on that toothbrush.
Me: WHAT?!
Peanut: I had to go. It was an accident.
Me: You accidentally peed up that high?
Peanut, smiling: Yes. It was an accident.
Me: You accidentally peed on my toothbrush which is all the way up there on the window ledge?
Peanut: Oh. Well, you can just wash it.
Me: I'm not brushing my teeth with something you peed on.
Peanut: It was an accident.

On the bright side, at least he told me about it before I brushed.

Aiming Low

Check out today's post over at Aiming Low:

Well, now that you mention it

Peanut: I have to pee!
Moon: I'm going poop. Get out!
Peanut: But I have to pee really bad. Get off the toilet.
Moon: I'm pooping!
Me, yelling from bedroom: Just pee in the tub.
Peanut: What cup?
Me: The tub. Just pee in the bathtub.
Peanut: Pee in Dad's cup?
Me, remembering that D. is spending the night at a hotel in the city with no kids to interrupt his sleep: Yes! Dad's cup!

And then steam came out of my ears and my head exploded

This is the conversation I expected to have when I picked Peanut up from school today:

Me: So, Peanut, I need to ask you something.
Peanut: What?
Me: Why did you pee in your garbage can?
Peanut: What do you mean? I never peed in my garbage can.
Me: Are you sure? Because your garbage can was full of pee.
Peanut: I didn't pee in my garbage can. I wouldn't do that.
Me: Well, you did pee in your garbage can. Is it possible that you were sleep walking when it happened?
Peanut: I guess, maybe. Because I don't remember ever peeing in my garbage can.
Me: It's okay. Maybe you were just confused in your sleep and thought you were in the bathroom.

This is the conversation that actually took place when I picked Peanut up from school today:
Me: So, Peanut, I need to ask you something.
Peanut: What?
Me: Why did you pee in your garbage can?
Peanut: Ho ho ho! Because I felt like it!