Next time I'm buying Sex and the City Band-Aids. Nobody will want those...

Henny:  Mommy!  We hab Dora band-aids.

Me:  Yes we do.

Henny:  Can I hab one?

Me:  You don't need one.

Henny:  Yes I do.

Me:  No.  Don't waste the band-aids.

Henny:  Can I hab one for my boo-boo?

Me:  You don't have a boo-boo.  Put those away.

Henny:  Oh Mommy, you see dat?

Me:  See what?

Henny:  Watch Mommy.  I tripped.

Me:  You didn't trip.

Henny:  Mommy look.  Oh, I tripped 'gain.

Me:  You didn't trip.

Henny:  No, watch Mommy.  Oh, I tripped 'gain.

Me:  You don't need a band-aid.

Henny:  Oh no, Mommy.  Watch.  I tripped 'gain.

Henny:  Oh Mommy.  I just hurt my arm...

About twenty minutes. Only slightly condensed.

There are approximately seven hours between picking the boys up from school and them passing out at night. This represents about twenty minutes. I'm not great at math, but I think that equates to this basic series of events occurring 21 times, every....fucking....day....

Peanut: Mom. They keep saying the "s" word.
Me, in the kitchen making dinner: Who?
Peanut: This song.
Me: Oh. Yeah. Don't listen to that.
Peanut: Okay.
Henny, coming downstairs: Mommy, I pee in my pants.
Me: Why did you pee your pants.
Henny: I dunno.
Me: Let's get you cleaned up. Moon, can you get some new pants for Henny?
Moon, rolling eyes: Urghhhhhh!!!!
Me: I know. Just help out, okay?
Peanut: What's for dinner?
Me: Greek salad with chicken.
Peanut: I hate that.
Henny: I heet that!
Me: You do not.
Peanut, poking and hitting Moon: Moon, play with me. Play with me! PLAY WITH ME!
Moon: Ow! Mom, he hit me!
Me: Don't hit your brother.
Peanut: He won't play with me.
Me: Of course he won't. You're hitting him.
Peanut: I want him to play with me.
Me: Nobody wants to play with someone who's hitting. Be nice.
Peanut: I don't want to be nice. I want him to play with me.
Me, bending over: He's not going to play with you if you're hitting him. Moon! Can you get some pants for Henny?!
Henny, hopping on my back: Piggy wide!
Me, falling over: No. No piggy ride. Get off of me. Moon! Get Henny some pants, please!
Moon: Urghhhhh!!!
D, calling on the phone: Gurgle gurgle gurgle.
Me: What, I can't hear you. You're breaking up.
Henny: I wan talk a Dad. I wan a talk a Dad. Lemme talk a Dad.
D: Gurgle gurgle gurgle.
Henny: I wan talk a Dad. I need talk a Dad.
Me: I can't hear you at all.
D: Gurgle gurgle gurgle.
Henny: I need talk a Dad!
Me: I'm going to go.
Henny: I need talk a Dad!
D: Gurgle gurgle bye.
Me: Dinner's ready. Come and eat guys.
Henny: I heet that.
Me: You don't hate that.
Peanut: I don't want any salad. I hate salad.
Me: Don't eat salad.
Henny: I don't wan chicken. I heet chicken.
Me: Don't eat chicken.
Henny: I spilled.
Me: Okay. I'll clean it up. Let me grab a napkin.
Henny: I lick it?
Me: No. Do not lick the table.
Henny: I lick it.
Me: Please stop licking the table.
Henny: I need salad. I wan scoop it.
Me: I'll scoop it for you.
Henny: I wan scoop it. I need scoop it!
Me: No. Let me do it. Here, here's a scoop of salad for you.
Henny: No. I need more. I need scoop it.
Me: If you eat all that I'll give you another scoop.
Henny: No. I wan scoop it. I can't eat all dis. It's too much.
Me: That makes no sense.
Peanut: Can I have a dessert?
Me: I do not even care.
Henny: I wan ice cream!
Me: Have ice cream. I don't care.
Henny: Can I have more ice cream?
Me: Don't care. Hey, we need to go pick up Dad from the train. It's raining.
Henny: I don't wan pick Dad.
Me: It's raining. We need to pick up Dad.
Henny: Can I bring my ice cream?
Me: No.
Henny: Why? I wan bring my ice cream.
Me: You can't take ice cream in the car.
Henny: I bring my ice cream.
Me: You're not bringing your ice cream.
D: Hi! How are you?
Me: Eh.
D: What's wrong.
Me: Just. You know. They're just.
D: Dinner smells good.
Peanut, running around corner: NAKEDSTUFF!!! NAKEDSTUFF!!!
Me: Where. are. your. clothes?!?!

Guess who ended up with pancakes...

Henny: Mommy, I hab pancakes?
Me: No sweetie. I'm making waffles.
Henny: Okay. I hab pancakes.
Me: I'm not making pancakes. I'm making waffles.
Henny: No waffles. You make a pancakes.
Me: No pancakes. Waffles.
Henny: Okay. Yes. You make pancakes.

He's got the fever

Moon: My throat was scratchy all day and now my stomach hurts.
Me, touching forehead: Well, you don't have a fever, so that's good.
Henny: I hab a Biebah.
Me: You have a...Bieber?
Henny: Yes. I hab a Biebah.
Me: You have a Bieber Fever?
Henny: Yes. I hab Biebah Febah.

Oh, sorry

Laying in bed at night with Henny:
Henny: Da-ee has penis?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Peanut has penis?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Moon has penis?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Mahwee has tail?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Mommy has penis?
Me, shaking head no.
Henny: Mommy has boob?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Da-ee has penis?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Mahwee has tail?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Peanut has penis?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Moon has penis?
Me: Yes. Daddy has a penis, and Moon has a penis, and Peanut has a penis, and Molly has a tail, and Mommy has a boob.
Henny, whispering: Shh...quiet. I seeping, Mommy.

I didn't feenk so

Henny (aka Toddler ): I see San-a!
Me: Ooh, I see Santa, too. Hi Santa!
Henny: Hi San-a! San-a gon bing Henny a pesent.
Me: Santa is going to bring Henny a present because Henny is such a good boy.
Henny: Ess. Henny good boy.
Me: Is Santa going to bring Moon a present?
Henny: Ess.
Me: Is Santa going to bring Peanut a present?
Henny: NO!
Me: I didn't think so.
Henny: I didn't feenk so, too.

This is just getting out of hand

Debt collector on phone:  Yes, I'm from Blank Collections Agency.  Your husband's corporate AmEx account has been placed with us for collections.
Me:  Yes, I know.  He's working on figuring out his reimbursements and trying to get paid for them.
Debt collector:  He is no longer with the company, correct?
Me:  Yes.  That's correct.  He has a number of reimbursements that he never took care of, and he needs to get in touch with HR to figure out how to handle it.
Debt collector:  Well, we have a very close relationship with AmEx and his former company, so is there anything we can do to help you?
Me:  I"m not sure.  We spent yesterday going through credit card bills looking at expenses.  What we really need are copies of expense reports from former company so we can see what has been reimbursed and what hasn't.  I'm hoping there's not going to be an issue with them processing the reimbursements.
Debt collector:  They may be able to set up a manual access to the system so he can get those records.
Me:  That would be helpful.
Debt collector:  Let me see what I can....
Toddler, pushing button to hang up telephone:  Fucker phone?

Tossing the pigskin?

Me:  What color is the guinea pig?
Toddler:  Socceh ball pig.
Me:  Yes!  The pig looks like a soccer ball.
Toddler:  I keek socceh ball pig?
Me:  No, No!  We don't kick the pig!
Toddler:  I keek socceh ball pig.

Well, at least he's mastered his "R"s

Me, backing out of parking spot, nearly hitting a man on a bike who decided to whiz between cars:  Nice!  Stupid fucking guy on a bike.
Toddler:  Fah-ker bike?
Me:  No!  No!  Babies don't say that.
Toddler:  Fucker bike?
Me:  No, no!  Those are not words for babies.
Toddler:  Fucker bike?  Fucker bike?  Fucker bike!
Me:  Awesome.
Toddler, singing in a sweet little voice all the way home:  fucker bike....fucker bike....fucker bike

He talks. I'm not sure what language he's speaking, but he talks...

Me:  So, what would you like for breakfast?
Toddler:  Ya Ya Yick.
Me:  Um...French Toast Stick?
Toddler:  Unh-Unh.  Ya Ya Yick.
Me:  Right.  French Toast Stick.
Toddler:  UNH-UNH!  Ya Ya Yick.
Me:  Okay.  So I'm going to go downstairs and get the French Toast Sticks.
Toddler, following me downstairs:  UNH-UNH!  UNH-UNH! Ya Ya Yick.
Me:  Hmm...how about if you show me what you want for breakfast.
Toddler, opening fridge and pointing:  Ya Ya Yick.
Me:  OH!  Okay.  Yogurt.  YO-GURT.
Toddler:  Yick Ya.
Me:  No, no.  YO-GURT.  Yogurt.
Toddler, nodding in agreement:  Yick Ya.
Me:  Yes.  Exactly.  Yick Ya.  Let's go upstairs and have your Yick Ya.
Toddler:  Foon?
Me, sighing:  Yes, I'll get you a spoon.

Oh. Ok.

Toddler:  Wheh dah-ee?
Me:  He's at basketball.
Toddler.  Oh.  Ok.  Wheh dah-ee?
Me:  At basketball.
Toddler:  Oh.  Ok.  Wheh dah-ee?
Me:  Daddy went to play basketball.
Toddler:  Oh.  Ok.  Wheh dah-ee?
Me:  Daddy's at school.
Toddler:  Wheh dah-ee?
Me:  Daddy's at work.
Toddler:  Wheh dah-ee?
Me:  Daddy's in the bathroom.
Toddler:  Wheh dah-ee?
Me:  Daddy's at basketball.
Toddler:  Oh.  Ok.  Wheh dah-ee?
Me:  I don't know, but I hope he's bringing home liquor.

Schpeak up, Schonny

Peanut:  Mom!  I peed in the bathtub and the Toddler just put tub water in a cup and drank it!
Me:  Oh my God!  That's disgusting.  Drain the tub.
Peanut:  I poured it on him.
Me:  No!  I said drain the tub.  Do not pour pee water on your brother.
Peanut:  Come on, Mom.  Are you deaf?  I wouldn't pour pee water on him.  I SAID, "I farted on him."

They'll probably find this even funnier when they learn what "cock" means....

In the back yard with all three boys.  Neighbors are home.  There is a little league baseball game going on across the street.  Lots of local families within hearing range.

Me:  Come on, let me use the swing.
Moon:  No!
Me:  Come on.
Moon, laughing:  No!
Me:  Ick.  When is the last time you brushed your teeth?
Moon:  Mmm.....I dunno.  Probably this morning.
Me:  You have chocolate cake all over your top teeth.  Gross.
Moon, laughing:  I have chocolate cahk?
Me:  Cake.  I said cake.
Moon:  Chocolate cahk!
Me:  Stop it.  I said cake.
Peanut, laughing:  Chocolate cahk!
Moon:  I need to brush my chocolate cahk!
Peanut:  You have chocolate cahk!
Me:  Ok.  Can we please stop yelling chocolate cahk?
Moon:  You said it!  Listen I have a song.....

Honestly, I don't even remember how the song went.  But it had a lot of chocolate cahk in it.  And I totally will understand if the entire community bans their children from playing at my house.  But, the cahk was delicious.

He knows what he wants (here's a hint...it's not lunch)

Me:  Do you want some lunchy?
Toddler:  Keys?
Me:  Yes.  Those are the keys.  Are you hungry?  Would you like some lunch?
Toddler:  Car?
Me:  No car.  Lunchy.
Toddler:  Keys?  Go car?
Me:  No car.  Lunch.  You want some lunch?
Toddler:  RAAARRRRR!!!
Me:  You could have just said no.

Just hand me a stick of gum

Me, kissing Toddler:  Muh!  I keess you.
Toddler, fanning nose:  Ehhhhhh....
Me:  What?  Is my kiss stinky?
Toddler:  Poo.
Me:  What!?  My kiss is poo?
Toddler:  Keess poo.
Me:  My kiss smells like poo?
Toddler, pushing me away:  Poop kiss.  Gwoss.