I'm old

When I was in college, I used to get really drunk and send out nonsensical e-mails at 4 a.m. Now I'm more mature. I get drunk and write nonsensical blog posts at 8 p.m.

Moon: Is Dad really going to take me to Cold Stone Creamery?
Me: Not until you eat all your ice cream.
Moon: Not until I eat all my ice cream?
Me: That's right.
Moon, with a smirk: Not until I eat all my ice cream?
Me: Mommy had Sangria. Back off.

Will party for cash

Peanut, opening card that arrived in the mail: Ugh, Sophie's having another birthday party.
Me: That's a Thank You card, not an invitation.
Peanut looks inside card, throws it down on table and walks away: Ah, d-word. No money.


Other peoples' children...Part II

Sometimes I really enjoy hanging out with other peoples' children. It makes me feel like mine might be "normal." Today, I invited my neighbor to bring her three children to the park with us. Her two oldest kids decided to ride in our car. During this five minute drive, I learned that the neighbor boy is amusingly gross, and Peanut is not yet old enough to grasp the concept of irony.

Oldest Neighbor Boy: I like to pick my nose and eat it. Boogers taste good. They're perfect and salty. Eating your boogers is easier than getting up to put them in the trash. One time I ate a red one. Red means it's bloody. See (at this point he offers a demonstration of just exactly how he picks his boogers and eats them).

Peanut: Neighbor Boy, that is disgusting!

It is disgusting, but I don't think you have room to judge when you have a booger wall.

My budding Pic-ass-o

Peanut: Look, Mom. I made this for you.
Me: Oh, that's beautiful. Great job. Who is it a picture of?
Peanut: You. I drew you.
Me: Awesome. That's so cool. Look, you even gave me a rainbow head. I love it.
Peanut: Yep. You also have a fart coming out of your anus. See those three lines. That's a fart.


At least someone finds it funny

I am clearly an idiot. My children needed school supplies (we got the list with $50 worth of stuff that they each MUST have to succeed during this school year. With the absurd amount of taxes we pay, you'd think the school could provide pencils and paper, but, I digress) so I decided that today would be a good day to head to the store. With all three boys, and no other adults. I know. I could probably stop the story right here, because anyone with sense in their head knows you just don't take three boys shopping. Ever.

The trip went exactly the way you think it did. The baby fussed, cried, shit on my hand while having his diaper changed, and refused to ride in the stroller. Peanut yelled, pestered, begged for candy, exploded a bottle of soda, and acted like an anus. Moon pouted, did sneaky things to injure his brother, and tried to act like he was responsible and mature while covering his face and laughing at Peanut's fart noises.

We went into the dressing room at Target so I could try on some postpartum fat clothes and nurse The Baby. I was grateful for the emptiness of the fitting rooms, as Peanut could not stop shouting. After yelling and giggling for a few minutes, Peanut suddenly looked at me in earnest and asked: "Mom, are you not happy?"
Me: No, I'm not happy.
Peanut: Why not?
Me: Because I'm very tired and embarrassed.
Peanut: Why?
Me: Because I can't take my children out in public.
Peanut: Why not?
Me: Because they insist on running, shouting, tripping, laying on the floor, exploding soda, hitting each other, crying, pulling clothing off the racks, spitting, farting and belching.

Peanut gave me a very loving look, moved closer to my face, and made the loudest fart noise he's capable of producing. Moon laughed so hard that he had to hold himself to keep from peeing his pants. Peanut laughed so hard that his face turned red. After informing them that I didn't find it funny, I heard a woman's voice from somewhere else in the dressing room say, "Well, they sure are making me laugh," followed by the sound of her cracking up. Though she claimed to be laughing at the kids, I suspect that she was actually laughing because she was so filled with joy that the boys were in my dressing room and not hers. Or else she was laughing because she couldn't believe somebody was dumb enough to take three boys out shopping.

We got all the school supplies except backpacks and erasers, which I will be ordering online. Even if I have to pay $7 shipping for $0.99 worth of erasers, I'm ordering online.

In your face

Me: What would you guys like for dinner?
Peanut: Mac & Cheese.
Me: We don't have any left.
Peanut: Yes we do.
Me: No, we don't. You guys ate all four boxes.
Peanut stomps into the kitchen, digs through the cupboard, and returns wielding a box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: See! Yes we do! Oh! In your face! You got served! You're such a doofus you don't even know anything!

I am happy to report that Peanut is still alive and relatively uninjured. But, you know that story about the woman who sat on the toilet for two years and her butt grew around the seat? That's likely what will happen to Peanut with the "Time Out" chair, as he's not getting out of it until he's eighteen.