Perv

While trying to do some prep work, I noticed that one of the little vintage nighties that I was getting ready to sell was super cute and looked to be my size. So I took my shirt off and tried it on over my bra.

Peanut: Mom, why are you trying that on with your bras?
Me, wearing jeans and a nightie: Because. I just wanted to see if it would fit me.
Peanut: Why are you wearing pink bras?
Me: I dunno.
Peanut: You hate pink.
Me: No I don't. I like pink just fine. You're the one that has a problem with pink.
Peanut: Why are you wearing that...that...thing?
Me: It's pajamas. A nightgown. I just wanted to see if it would fit me.
Peanut: It does.
Me: I know.
Peanut: It looks...well...it just looks good. You look good in that, Mom.

So, according to Peanut:
Mom in regular clothes = Fat,
Mom in lingerie = Good.

Phrases I uttered before eight o'clock this morning

-Ouch, ouch, ouch, no nipple pinching.
-Nobody "got served."
-Stop saying "retardo."
-Jesus crap! Would you please shut the hell up?
-Nobody's wiener is a little teapot, short and stout.
-No! We're not flashing our wieners. Put it away.
-Seriously. Put it away.
-Are you sure you don't want to walk to school today? You could leave right now.
-Don't you have to leave for school now?

Big, son. Very big.

Peanut: Hey, Mom, in class today we were talking about cow udders.
Me: Why?
Peanut: I dunno. We just were.
Me: Were you learning about cows?
Peanut: No.
Me: Was your teacher talking about cows?
Peanut: No. Everybody was just talking about cow udders.
Me: Ok. Cows have udders. That's where we get milk.
Peanut, giggling: We drink milk from cow wieners.
Me: Udders are not wieners.
Peanut: What are they, then?
Me: Boobs. We get milk from cow boobs.
Peanut: We drink milk from cow boobs.
Me: Furthermore, only girl cows have udders and only boy cows have wieners. Just like people.
Peanut, silent and thoughtful for a minute, then: Mom, how big is a cow wiener?

(That, that) Dad looks like a lady...

Peanut, watching D. leave for work: Mom, why is Dad wearing that shirt?
Me: What do you mean? It's his work shirt.
Peanut: It's pink.
Me: So what? He looks nice.
Peanut: No he doesn't. He's wearing a pink shirt.
Me: Dudes wear pink shirts.
Peanut: No. They don't. Girls do.