Now I'm Principal Vernon

The second we got home from school today, the boys raced to jump out of the car and run in to the house, in a desperate bid to get to the computer first. They've been fighting since this morning about who would get to use my laptop to play Roblox after school today. I was going to let Moon play, as it was his turn, and I told him so. But as they raced toward the house, Moon decided to whip his backpack into Peanut's stomach in order to slow him down.

Me: Now you're not playing Roblox.
Moon: What? But he deserved it.
Me: No, you blew your chance. There was no reason for that, and now you're not playing.
Moon: Urgh!

With that, he threw his backpack on the ground and kicked it.

Me: What are you doing? Now you're grounded. No computer or video games for 24 hours.

Moon kicked his backpack and screamed.

Me: Two days. Do you want to keep going?

Moon: It's just not fair. He makes me so mad I just wanna do this!

Moon picked his backpack up again, threw it to the ground and then kicked it across the yard.

Me: A week. No video games for a week. Get yourself under control.

Moon: Arghh!!!! I hate him. Everything is his fault.

Me: You did this to yourself because you can't control your temper.

As soon as we got in the house, Moon ran up to his bedroom and slammed the door.

Me: Two weeks.

Moon started grabbing whatever he could find in his room and throwing it.

Me: This is ridiculous. Stop it right now.

Moon looked me in the face, and in defiance threw a toy across the room.

Me: A month. You may not play anything electronic for a month.

Moon, crying: Mom, I can't live.

Me: Seriously?

Moon waited for me to go downstairs, then slammed his door and resumed throwing things.

Me: Five weeks.

Moon threw things harder.

As I finish typing this, Moon is standing in the back yard staring at the sky because he has been banished from the house until he can get his temper under control. I'm hoping he'll be back in before dinner time, as I think it's supposed to get cold tonight, and he has a completely trashed bedroom to pick up.

Grandma, if you're reading this, when puberty hits, Moon is coming to live with you.

And then steam came out of my ears and my head exploded

This is the conversation I expected to have when I picked Peanut up from school today:

Me: So, Peanut, I need to ask you something.
Peanut: What?
Me: Why did you pee in your garbage can?
Peanut: What do you mean? I never peed in my garbage can.
Me: Are you sure? Because your garbage can was full of pee.
Peanut: I didn't pee in my garbage can. I wouldn't do that.
Me: Well, you did pee in your garbage can. Is it possible that you were sleep walking when it happened?
Peanut: I guess, maybe. Because I don't remember ever peeing in my garbage can.
Me: It's okay. Maybe you were just confused in your sleep and thought you were in the bathroom.

This is the conversation that actually took place when I picked Peanut up from school today:
Me: So, Peanut, I need to ask you something.
Peanut: What?
Me: Why did you pee in your garbage can?
Peanut: Ho ho ho! Because I felt like it!

And a triple grande mocha smartass

Peanut: Mom, can we go to Starbucks?
Me: No.
Peanut: I wanna go to Starbucks.
Me: No. We're not going to Starbucks.
Peanut: Why not?!
Me: Because I said no. We're not going.
Peanut: Hmph. Well, I guess you didn't take your prescription today.

Somebody's getting coal in his stocking

Moon: Mom, I kind of don't believe in the tooth fairy.
Me: Why not?
Moon: I dunno. I just don't.
Me: What about Santa? And the Easter Bunny?
Moon: I dunno.
Me: You don't know if you believe in Santa Claus? He only brings presents to kids who believe in him.
Moon: I think the Santa thing is really pretty ridiculous.
Me: Oh?
Moon: Yeah, I mean, come on. Flying reindeer? Seriously?