I'd like a triple skinny vanilla mocha bitchslap, please

Starbucks lady: Oh, look, he's sound asleep. He looks all worn out.
Me: Yeah. He was up most of the night. He has a stuffy nose and only slept for a couple hours.
Starbucks lady: Aww, poor little man. Did you get any sleep?
Me: No. Not much.
Starbucks lady: Well, you look great for only having a little bit of sleep.
Me: Really? You don't think I look a little crazy?
Starbucks lady: Well, I didn't want to say anything...


I think we know which kid is most likely to end up in a jail cell in Tijuana

Moon came home from school today and rushed upstairs to secretly make me a birthday present.

Have to admit, the kid knows what I like.

Not to be outdone, when Peanut saw what his brother made for me, he said, "Mom, I made a present for you, too. Hold on." He then climbed onto the couch, perched on my shoulder and farted. "Happy Birthday, Mom!"