Next time I'm buying Sex and the City Band-Aids. Nobody will want those...

Henny:  Mommy!  We hab Dora band-aids.

Me:  Yes we do.

Henny:  Can I hab one?

Me:  You don't need one.

Henny:  Yes I do.

Me:  No.  Don't waste the band-aids.

Henny:  Can I hab one for my boo-boo?

Me:  You don't have a boo-boo.  Put those away.

Henny:  Oh Mommy, you see dat?

Me:  See what?

Henny:  Watch Mommy.  I tripped.

Me:  You didn't trip.

Henny:  Mommy look.  Oh, I tripped 'gain.

Me:  You didn't trip.

Henny:  No, watch Mommy.  Oh, I tripped 'gain.

Me:  You don't need a band-aid.

Henny:  Oh no, Mommy.  Watch.  I tripped 'gain.

Henny:  Oh Mommy.  I just hurt my arm...

Valid point

Me: You need to get your fanny in here right now and do the cleaning up I asked you to do.
Peanut: I don't even know what I'm supposed to clean up.
Me: All this food the dog got into.
Peanut: Um, it's kind of your fault this happened in the first place.
Me: I'm not the one who left my lunch on the table.
Peanut: Yeah, but the dog wouldn't have had a chance to make a mess if we wouldn't have left the house. So, that makes it your fault.
Me: It doesn't matter whose fault it is. It just matters that we get it cleaned up.
Peanut: Um, yeah. It kind of does. You know. So we know who to blame.

Oh, sorry

Laying in bed at night with Henny:
Henny: Da-ee has penis?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Peanut has penis?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Moon has penis?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Mahwee has tail?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Mommy has penis?
Me, shaking head no.
Henny: Mommy has boob?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Da-ee has penis?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Mahwee has tail?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Peanut has penis?
Me, shaking head yes.
Henny: Moon has penis?
Me: Yes. Daddy has a penis, and Moon has a penis, and Peanut has a penis, and Molly has a tail, and Mommy has a boob.
Henny, whispering: Shh...quiet. I seeping, Mommy.

And once again

Peanut: Mom, do you want this little comb that came with your new mustache scissors?
Me: Nose-hair scissors.
Peanut: Whatever. Do you want this little mustache comb?
Me: No.
Peanut: You're not going to use it?
Me: No.
Peanut: Can I have it?
Me: Yes.
Peanut: Cool. I'm going to grow a mustache. I mean, not yet, but when I do grow one I'm going to comb it.
Me: Ok.
Peanut, leaning over my face: Do you want me to comb your mustache for you?
Me: No.
Peanut: Because I could, you know...

Yeah, I know

Peanut: Mom! Why did you buy these mustache trimming scissors?
Me: To trim my nose hair.
Peanut: Oh, I thought you were going to trim your mustache.
Me: No. I need to trim my nose hair.
Peanut: So, you're not going to grow your mustache out?
Me: No. I'm not.
Peanut: You have a mustache, you know.

No, not exactly the same

Pushing Peanut on the swing at the park.

Me: Want me to do an underdog?
Peanut: No.
Me: Good. I'm too old for that. Grandma used to do underdogs when I was a kid. But to be fair, she was like, 21.
Peanut: What did Grandma look like when she was 21?
Me: Mmm...I dunno. I guess she had curly hair. Otherwise, pretty much the same.
Peanut: Even the same wrinkles?

Shake your love. I shake shake shake your love.

Me:  Peanut, would you mind grabbing me a Monster Energy Drink from the basement fridge.
Peanut:  I guess.
Me:  Thanks.

Peanut:  Here you go.
Me:  Thank you very much.


Peanut:  Um, Mom.  Monster Energy Drink isn't a soda, is it?
Me:  Yes.  It's just a soda with a lot of caffeine so you can't have it.
Peanut:  Right.  But it's not the kind of soda that has fizz in it, is it?
Me:  Yes.  It's carbonated.
Peanut:  Right.  But it's not the kind of soda that would explode if you shook it before you opened it, is it?
Me:  Go get me a different one.

This is just getting out of hand

Debt collector on phone:  Yes, I'm from Blank Collections Agency.  Your husband's corporate AmEx account has been placed with us for collections.
Me:  Yes, I know.  He's working on figuring out his reimbursements and trying to get paid for them.
Debt collector:  He is no longer with the company, correct?
Me:  Yes.  That's correct.  He has a number of reimbursements that he never took care of, and he needs to get in touch with HR to figure out how to handle it.
Debt collector:  Well, we have a very close relationship with AmEx and his former company, so is there anything we can do to help you?
Me:  I"m not sure.  We spent yesterday going through credit card bills looking at expenses.  What we really need are copies of expense reports from former company so we can see what has been reimbursed and what hasn't.  I'm hoping there's not going to be an issue with them processing the reimbursements.
Debt collector:  They may be able to set up a manual access to the system so he can get those records.
Me:  That would be helpful.
Debt collector:  Let me see what I can....
Toddler, pushing button to hang up telephone:  Fucker phone?

That would be an interesting system

D:  Aren't we supposed to get all that rain tomorrow?
Me:  From the hurricane?  Yeah, I think so.
Peanut:  We're going to have a hurricane?
D:  It's not going to be where we are.
Me:  We'll just get some rain.  We're too far inland to get a hurricane.
Peanut:  Oh, because we're by Pennsylvania?
Me:  No, because New York is in between us and the ocean.  Do you guys know about hurricanes?
Peanut:  Yes.
Me:  Do you want to watch The Weather Channel so you can learn about it?
Peanut:  I guess.  Sure.
Me:  Do you know how they pick names for hurricanes?
Peanut:  Whoever dies first.

Schpeak up, Schonny

Peanut:  Mom!  I peed in the bathtub and the Toddler just put tub water in a cup and drank it!
Me:  Oh my God!  That's disgusting.  Drain the tub.
Peanut:  I poured it on him.
Me:  No!  I said drain the tub.  Do not pour pee water on your brother.
Peanut:  Come on, Mom.  Are you deaf?  I wouldn't pour pee water on him.  I SAID, "I farted on him."

They'll probably find this even funnier when they learn what "cock" means....

In the back yard with all three boys.  Neighbors are home.  There is a little league baseball game going on across the street.  Lots of local families within hearing range.

Me:  Come on, let me use the swing.
Moon:  No!
Me:  Come on.
Moon, laughing:  No!
Me:  Ick.  When is the last time you brushed your teeth?
Moon:  Mmm.....I dunno.  Probably this morning.
Me:  You have chocolate cake all over your top teeth.  Gross.
Moon, laughing:  I have chocolate cahk?
Me:  Cake.  I said cake.
Moon:  Chocolate cahk!
Me:  Stop it.  I said cake.
Peanut, laughing:  Chocolate cahk!
Moon:  I need to brush my chocolate cahk!
Peanut:  You have chocolate cahk!
Me:  Ok.  Can we please stop yelling chocolate cahk?
Moon:  You said it!  Listen I have a song.....

Honestly, I don't even remember how the song went.  But it had a lot of chocolate cahk in it.  And I totally will understand if the entire community bans their children from playing at my house.  But, the cahk was delicious.

Nice try

Me: You know you're in trouble, right?
Moon: Ye-e-es.
Me: You know why you're in trouble, right?
Moon: Ye-e-es.
Me: Why are you in trouble?
Moon: Well...because...wait! First tell me what Peanut told you.

Gratitude

At the beginning of a spontaneous road trip to a super fun indoor water park:

Me: Who's the best Mom in the whole world?
Moon: I dunno.
Peanut: Not you.
Me: What in the heck are you talking about? I'm taking you to a super fun indoor water park for no reason at all. Who's the best Mom in the world?
Peanut: Not you.
Me: Who's a better Mom than me? Name one person!
Peanut: Grandma Mouse.
Me: Ha! Hardly. Do you know what Grandma Mouse used to give me for dinner?
Peanut: What?
Me: Shit on a stick. Try again. Who's a better Mom than me?
Peanut: Well, I know it's not Dad's Mom, because she tried to hit him with a frying pan when he was a kid.
Moon: Dad says that story's not true.
Me: Oh, no. Totally true. Grandma is definitely not a better Mom than me, either. Try again.
Peanut: Bobby's* Mom is better than you. She hardly ever yells.
Me: What?! Bobby's Mom is batshit crazy! I mean, truly, certifiably, insane. She's not a better Mom than me. Try again.
Peanut: I don't know who the best Mom in the world is. The only thing I do know is that it's not you!

What? Puerto Ricans can't just buy them at the pharmacy like the rest of us?

Sign outside of store in Isla Verde, Puerto Rico:

Peanut: Mom, what's Condom World?
Me: A store.
Peanut: What do they sell?
Me: Stuff you don't need to know about.
Peanut: Like what?
Me: Just stuff.
Peanut: Tell me, Mom. What is it? What do they sell?
Me: Umm....underwear.
Peanut: No they don't. What do they sell at Condom World.
D: Condoms. They sell condoms. You know, like ketchup, mustard, mayo.....
Moon: No, that's condiments.
Peanut: Mom. Tell me! What do they sell?
Me: Dad's right. They sell stuff to put on your hotdog.

Big, son. Very big.

Peanut: Hey, Mom, in class today we were talking about cow udders.
Me: Why?
Peanut: I dunno. We just were.
Me: Were you learning about cows?
Peanut: No.
Me: Was your teacher talking about cows?
Peanut: No. Everybody was just talking about cow udders.
Me: Ok. Cows have udders. That's where we get milk.
Peanut, giggling: We drink milk from cow wieners.
Me: Udders are not wieners.
Peanut: What are they, then?
Me: Boobs. We get milk from cow boobs.
Peanut: We drink milk from cow boobs.
Me: Furthermore, only girl cows have udders and only boy cows have wieners. Just like people.
Peanut, silent and thoughtful for a minute, then: Mom, how big is a cow wiener?

(That, that) Dad looks like a lady...

Peanut, watching D. leave for work: Mom, why is Dad wearing that shirt?
Me: What do you mean? It's his work shirt.
Peanut: It's pink.
Me: So what? He looks nice.
Peanut: No he doesn't. He's wearing a pink shirt.
Me: Dudes wear pink shirts.
Peanut: No. They don't. Girls do.

Honesty is overrated

Peanut: Mom, how much do you weigh?
Me: 100 lbs.
Peanut: Really? Wow? That means you're short and plump.
Me: Actually, 100 lbs. is quite skinny.
Peanut: It is?
Me: Yes.
Peanut: Then how much do you really weigh?