Shake your love. I shake shake shake your love.

Me:  Peanut, would you mind grabbing me a Monster Energy Drink from the basement fridge.
Peanut:  I guess.
Me:  Thanks.

Peanut:  Here you go.
Me:  Thank you very much.

Peanut:  Um, Mom.  Monster Energy Drink isn't a soda, is it?
Me:  Yes.  It's just a soda with a lot of caffeine so you can't have it.
Peanut:  Right.  But it's not the kind of soda that has fizz in it, is it?
Me:  Yes.  It's carbonated.
Peanut:  Right.  But it's not the kind of soda that would explode if you shook it before you opened it, is it?
Me:  Go get me a different one.


Time to re-check his browser settings

Peanut:  Hey Mom!  When you click on a pop-up, it always takes you to a different site where it says you have to enter your ID.
Me:  Do NOT click on pop-ups.
Peanut:  I know.  I didn't.  But, this kid in my class, he has a much older brother, and HE clicked on some pop-ups and it took him to this site that tried to get his ID.
Me:  Do NOT click on pop-ups.
Peanut:  Oh, I know!  I didn't.  Besides.  It's always just a scam so people can probably come to your house and steal all your stuff.
Me:  Yes.  That is exactly right.


Do they make feline paternity tests?

Peanut:  Hey Mom!  I have something very surprising and exciting to tell you.
Me:  Ooh, what?
Peanut:  T's cat had three kittens.
Me:  Oh, wow.  They didn't know the cat was going to have kittens?
Peanut:  Nope.  They were just sitting on the couch one night watching TV and their cat started having kittens.
Me:  Oh my.  That really is a surprise then, isn't it?
Peanut:  Yep.  But, I just know that my guinea pig will never have babies.
Me:  No.  Your guinea pig will never have babies.
Peanut:  But she might.
Me:  Um, do we have a boy guinea pig?
Peanut:  No.
Me:  Then how would your guinea pig have babies?
Peanut:  I dunno.  She just might.
Me:  Peanut, didn't we talk about where babies come from?
Peanut:  I dunno.
Me:  We did.  Do you remember, it takes a boy and a girl together to make babies?  We only have a girl guinea pig.  No boy.  No babies.
Peanut:  Oh yeah.  Wait, then how did T's cat have kittens?
Me:  T's cat met a boy cat outside.
Peanut:  Who?
Me:  I have no idea.
Peanut:  I bet it was Slinky.
Me:  Probably.
Peanut:  Figures.

This is just getting out of hand

Debt collector on phone:  Yes, I'm from Blank Collections Agency.  Your husband's corporate AmEx account has been placed with us for collections.
Me:  Yes, I know.  He's working on figuring out his reimbursements and trying to get paid for them.
Debt collector:  He is no longer with the company, correct?
Me:  Yes.  That's correct.  He has a number of reimbursements that he never took care of, and he needs to get in touch with HR to figure out how to handle it.
Debt collector:  Well, we have a very close relationship with AmEx and his former company, so is there anything we can do to help you?
Me:  I"m not sure.  We spent yesterday going through credit card bills looking at expenses.  What we really need are copies of expense reports from former company so we can see what has been reimbursed and what hasn't.  I'm hoping there's not going to be an issue with them processing the reimbursements.
Debt collector:  They may be able to set up a manual access to the system so he can get those records.
Me:  That would be helpful.
Debt collector:  Let me see what I can....
Toddler, pushing button to hang up telephone:  Fucker phone?


Tossing the pigskin?

Me:  What color is the guinea pig?
Toddler:  Socceh ball pig.
Me:  Yes!  The pig looks like a soccer ball.
Toddler:  I keek socceh ball pig?
Me:  No, No!  We don't kick the pig!
Toddler:  I keek socceh ball pig.