Quote of the day

Actually, it's quotes of the last 2-3 days:

"Wow, another month? You look like you about to explode!" - woman at CVS looking at my stomach in terror

"Woo-hoo! No homework this weekend!" - Moono, 15 minutes before his Spanish teacher called to let me know that he failed to do the project that he's known about for six weeks

"Co-worker X is great. She'll be really successful as long as she doesn't decide to stay at home and make babies." - My husband, with whom I am celebrating our 8th anniversary and about to bear our third child

"Dad, I am NOT telling you what the present is that Mom just bought you at Target." - Peanut, after being repeatedly warned not to blab

"Hey, bro, it's like all the Dads are on drop-off duty today." - Douchebag at morning drop-off, stated while wearing a pastel sweater tied around his neck and fist-bumping another dad. I think he said something about "brewskis", too, but I could just be making that up.

"I bet Dad's buying you a present in New York City today. He's probably doing it on his lunch break." - Moono, while pondering the super-secret anniversary present for his father that we all know was purchased at Target

"Fuck! God damn it. Son of a bitch. I think those are pink." - Me, after buying new "red" crocs for Peanut, cutting the tags off so they can't be returned, and then seeing them outside in natural light


Yeah, that's not really a play date

I'm eight months pregnant today.

I look like this:

Would you ask this ^^^^ to babysit your kid?

If you were an eccentric, pushy European you might. But you'd try to disguise it as a "play date." The conversation would go something like this:

Pushy European (henceforth referred to as P-Eu): The boys should really have a playdate soon.
Me: Uh-huh. Can't do it today.
P-Eu: No. Oh, sure. But maybe tomorrow?
Me: Mmm....no. Can't do tomorrow either. Probably not until late in this week, maybe even next week sometime.
P-Eu: Oh, yes. Late this week would be good. I can't host on Thursday, but maybe P-Eu Jr. could come to your house on Thursday.
Me: Uh, yeah, I guess maybe like an hour on Thursday would be ok.
P-Eu: Ok. Great. I have a thing that I have to go to on Thursday, so maybe I could drop him off while I go to that thing.
Me: Uhh...k. What time are you going to come get him?
P-Eu: Well, my thing is at 2:30.
Me: Uhhh...I have to pick my other son up from school at 3:00 (you know, the son who is in the same class as your older daughter, who you also need to pick up from school at 3:00).
P-Eu: Oh, yes, I suppose I need to pick my daughter up at 3:00 also. I guess I will need to find someone who can pick her up from school. Ok, so I will drop P-Eu Jr. at your house around 1:00 and then he can stay there while I go to my thing, and you can just take him with you when you go to pick up your older son at 3:00, and then I will probably pick him up around, maybe, mmmm...3:30 ish. Yes, that sounds perfect. Great, so they will have a play date on Thursday.
Me: Uhhhh........

As P-Eu walks away, I'm thinking to myself:
A: What the fuck just happened?
B: That's not a play date. THAT IS NOT A PLAY DATE.
D: What the fuck just happened?

I really am Jabba the Hut. Huge and spineless.


Q & A


What does your husband get when you've spent five days with five boys under the age of nine?


A vasectomy. Make the appointment, honey. Make....the....appointment.


The terror & the splendor

The splendor:
Dingman's Falls at Delaware Water Gap National Recreation Area

The terror:
[ter-rer] - noun
1. Frozen penis caused by dunking one's body in the Delaware River on the first of June
2. What one must shout, repeatedly, and in a preternaturally high pitch while running out of the Delaware River on the first of June (i.e. ahhh....the terror!....the terror!) holding one's penis
3. Emotion felt by mother when her sons shout in falsetto while holding their penises (penii?) and running out of the Delaware River, and then proceed to run back in and do it all over again.

I could also define "jacuzzi" for you, but instead of going into detail I will just say it involves boys, the Delaware River, and Fiber One bars. Ahh..the terror.