The "F" word

Peanut: Mom, throw snow on me!
Me, shoveling: I don't want to throw snow on you.
Peanut: Mom, throw snow on me!
Me: I don't want to throw snow on you. You'll cry.
Peanut: Mom, please, throw snow on me!
Me: I'm not throwing snow on you. You'll cry.
Peanut: Mom, you're fat.
Me, stern: Peanut, that is not very nice at all.
Peanut: Well, you're not really fat, it's just, well, it's just your butt.

I threw snow on him. He cried.

Gas, grass or ass. Nobody plumbs for free

Plumber: My guess is, there's probably a pipe under your bathtub that's the old galvanized and is rusted through.
Me: So, you can just patch that, right?
Plumber, laughing: I can patch the ceiling when I'm done replacing your pipe.
Me: Do you take blowjobs in lieu of payment?
Plumber: Bitch, when's the last time you showered?
Me: Half off if I show you a little titty?

Okay, so those last three lines are bullshit, but, can I just say, "FUCK!"
I'm going to have to get a second job. Or, you know, A job.